I Make No Apologies... This Is Me...

Have you ever had so much crammed into your head that it feels like it's going to explode??  So many emotions that you don't know which one to go with? (like being in front of an endless selection of decadent ice creams and having to choose just one) .  It is overwhelming and when you are already dealing with other mental health issues it's sometimes way too much to deal with.  So you need to get out of your head...and it seems that most people blog now instead of keeping a written journal - therefore I guess that's what I do now...to clear my head and help to keep my sanity in check lol

Anxiety, depression, BPD, Fibromyalgia, Hypothyroid... labels that can be applied to me, afflictions that pull at me, things I fight not just daily, but hourly, minute  by minute..... or as Pat says, we deal with it baby steps with small feet.  Doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  So much goes on some days that I'm surprised I don't just shut down all together.

The medications I'm on for the mental illnesses leave me feeling highly sedated most of the time.  The fibro and thyroid act like bratty children fighting for mommy's attention; waging war on my body daily.   And while I know there are people out there who have it much worse than I do, there are times I just cannot consider that.  All over pain, extreme exhaustion, jumping at every little noise, inability to leave the house, no physical ability to exert any effort, confusion, lack of memory, inability to make even the simplest of decisions, muscle cramping and spasms and pain...oh wait, I mention that already, but I get it a lot.  But I have a life, I have kids, I have work, I have pets, I have a husband, I have friends (not a lot anymore sadly but quality over quantity so I'm told) and I can't desert all this for my afflictions.

I work two jobs, one in a warehouse one in a kitchen.  Anyone who knows me knows which one I like best.  But neither was enough to pay the bills, so imagine my relief when I finally got my ODSP approval. There was shame too though, because I never thought I would get to the point where I would need it, yet here I am. I mean I know what it's meant for and I'm grateful for the help for sure because bills come on a regular basis, groceries need to be purchased and rent needs to be paid.  So I do what I have to do.

I'm also in the process to get a Service Dog.  Oh my gosh it's a looooong process.  Forms to fill out, information to give, references to obtain, reports, applications, fees....Ontario is sadly lacking in associations that help those with Mental Health issues not a First Responder or retired Military obtain Service Dogs and give financial assistance.  So there will be fund raising needed.  This scares the heck out of me.  Anyone who knows me knows I am no good at asking for help... and this is serious help.  $20,000 worth of help to begin with.  The cost of the dog, training, materials and equipment.  But weigh that against the freedom of a more normal life... the ability to go out feeling more secure, not needing to rely on someone to accompany me for simple errands, feeling safe at home, having an early warning system for anxiety attacks... feels like a small price to pay for this measure of freedom.

And so we shall see....

" I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me”