Home

So I've started painting the house.... we started renting it in October it's about time to take it from a house to a home by making it a bit more us.  Funny enough, I can't help but think that this house is more me than the one we called "home" for over 20 years... the one I brought my babies home to... it just feels more me.  The kitchen, the fireplace, the front porch, the bathtub - oh gosh the bathtub, so deep I can sink right into it lol!  

So just a couple of coats of paint and then I can put up the photos and whatnots.  I planted flowers and re-arranged things in the garden which helped outside, and put in the solar lights to make it more cozy.  And I've started to think of the house as Basswood Cottage... lol.  We used to have Barnsley Bistro but not anymore, so now we have Basswood Cottage.  Much better than the year we spent in the apartment  - gosh but I hated that place, though it's view was amazing and I did love sitting out on the balcony, so it had a redeeming quality after all haha

It's painful.... all the up the ladder, down the ladder, bending and stretching.  And I'm tired....so I have to do it in small increments , but I feel so accomplished when I'm done the section I'm working on.  It's funny, but decorating is like creating in the kitchen for me a bit, it's just a different canvas.

#icook

I know I said that this house is more me than the previous, and it's true... but I'm most at home in the kitchen.  The kitchen is where I feel the most me and I'm happiest.  I love to cook and create, and I wish I had managed to go to culinary school.  Instead I did business school... twice (yikes) and spent far too many years working retail or crunching numbers....and watching cooking shows and reading as many cookbooks as I could.

 I love nothing more than to find THE perfect recipe and then change it and make it my own. And I love watching people enjoy the food.  I don't want accolades or spotlights... what makes it for me is just watching the food be enjoyed.  To me it's fun to make things that are really quite simple that people take them for granted and yet wouldn't consider trying to make it for themselves.  Pasta, tortillas, soup (though when one of your good friends is the SoupChef  you better deliver on the soup because she makes some damn fine soups) are the best.  One day I plan on trying my hand at egg yolk ravioli.. yumm.

Yes, I cook.. it makes me happy.  These days that's a good thing to be able to say. I create, whether it's with food, paint or plants, and it makes me happy and it has been making this house a home.  And maybe in some small way it makes up for what has been lost...maybe

People Are Strange

So I guess it's not popular to be friends with someone who has mental health issues and has tried to commit suicide. It would be nice if people understood, but that isn't always the case.  And we don't come with descriptive warning labels to explain ourselves to those who don't know us.  It's hard when you are ignored, belittled, avoided, condescended to, minimized and disparaged by people you've never known, who don't know you from any random person on the street, or even worse those you once considered part of your life, people you cared about  and thought cared about you.

Many years ago I made the hard decision to remove some toxic relationships from my life.  It was hard because really it wasn't just from my life, it was also my children's lives too that I made this decision for. Honestly, as hard as it was, I really don't think of them on a daily basis...but they were part of my life.

People have made the choice to stop being part of my life it seems since my attempt.  I guess it makes sense, I mean it's hard to understand something you haven't experienced or gone through yourself.  But it's also really hard to deal with having people stare right through you like you aren't even there, or turn and walk the other direction.

Before Christmas two people died of Cancer.  One was the husband of someone I had once considered a friend.  I had believed we had so much in common; she had convinced me we were kindred spirits and then she broke my heart.  I had reached out to her husband when I found out he was sick, wished him and the family well and promised to keep them in my thoughts.. he was gracious and appreciative.  I reached out again when I found out he had passed to offer my condolences.... she ignored me completely, not that I really expected any different.

The second had been a part of my life since I was 8 years old.  She was my sister in law, from the adopted part of my family, the part I don't have contact with anymore because it wasn't healthy for me.  I had been in their wedding babysat their children, changed their diapers, attended their weddings, seen their children born, yet when she was dying of breast cancer no one thought to tell me.  I reached out to my "brother" with my condolences after I had sobbed myself empty of all my tears when I read on FB that she had died on the day of her funeral and no, I did not hear back from him. Still have not.

Pat tells me not to let people bug me, to just let it go.. I wish I could.  It would be so much easier and hurt a lot less...Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, maybe I'm just really stupid or maybe it's part of the illness and it's a method of self harm.  Whatever it is, to quote a wise person, mean people suck...

I Make No Apologies... This Is Me...

Have you ever had so much crammed into your head that it feels like it's going to explode??  So many emotions that you don't know which one to go with? (like being in front of an endless selection of decadent ice creams and having to choose just one) .  It is overwhelming and when you are already dealing with other mental health issues it's sometimes way too much to deal with.  So you need to get out of your head...and it seems that most people blog now instead of keeping a written journal - therefore I guess that's what I do now...to clear my head and help to keep my sanity in check lol

Anxiety, depression, BPD, Fibromyalgia, Hypothyroid... labels that can be applied to me, afflictions that pull at me, things I fight not just daily, but hourly, minute  by minute..... or as Pat says, we deal with it baby steps with small feet.  Doesn't make it any easier to deal with.  So much goes on some days that I'm surprised I don't just shut down all together.

The medications I'm on for the mental illnesses leave me feeling highly sedated most of the time.  The fibro and thyroid act like bratty children fighting for mommy's attention; waging war on my body daily.   And while I know there are people out there who have it much worse than I do, there are times I just cannot consider that.  All over pain, extreme exhaustion, jumping at every little noise, inability to leave the house, no physical ability to exert any effort, confusion, lack of memory, inability to make even the simplest of decisions, muscle cramping and spasms and pain...oh wait, I mention that already, but I get it a lot.  But I have a life, I have kids, I have work, I have pets, I have a husband, I have friends (not a lot anymore sadly but quality over quantity so I'm told) and I can't desert all this for my afflictions.

I work two jobs, one in a warehouse one in a kitchen.  Anyone who knows me knows which one I like best.  But neither was enough to pay the bills, so imagine my relief when I finally got my ODSP approval. There was shame too though, because I never thought I would get to the point where I would need it, yet here I am. I mean I know what it's meant for and I'm grateful for the help for sure because bills come on a regular basis, groceries need to be purchased and rent needs to be paid.  So I do what I have to do.

I'm also in the process to get a Service Dog.  Oh my gosh it's a looooong process.  Forms to fill out, information to give, references to obtain, reports, applications, fees....Ontario is sadly lacking in associations that help those with Mental Health issues not a First Responder or retired Military obtain Service Dogs and give financial assistance.  So there will be fund raising needed.  This scares the heck out of me.  Anyone who knows me knows I am no good at asking for help... and this is serious help.  $20,000 worth of help to begin with.  The cost of the dog, training, materials and equipment.  But weigh that against the freedom of a more normal life... the ability to go out feeling more secure, not needing to rely on someone to accompany me for simple errands, feeling safe at home, having an early warning system for anxiety attacks... feels like a small price to pay for this measure of freedom.

And so we shall see....

" I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me”